An Aside

I have, as a rule, tried refrained from posting whenever I found myself in a place which we call The Doldrums.  However, there have been exceptions.  Few and far between, but yes, exceptions.  Sometimes, there is just absolutely nothing to be done but take to your trusty computing machine and pour your heart out to the Internet.  Because somebody, somewhere must care that you are not exactly okay.  Or at least, that is my hope.

This week, and if I am honest, the week past, I have been circling and circling the roads of Ye Doldrums, endeavoring to find a way out of town, but to no avail.  I am hopeful, naturally, and ever a shiny person bursting with exuberance, but inside, I grow dimmer.  Hopes have been dashed.  Done ever so slowly and unspectacularly, but dashed they were, nevertheless.  It is a sad, sad thing when you finally begin to see people as they are, and what you are to them.  Which only goes to show that my natural instincts are ever unreliable in certain respects and should not be trusted with something as fragile as hope.

Universe, you led me on.

And that is all I have to say on the matter.

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In the In Between

And so I once again crawl back to you, dear readers, with my tail between my legs, slinking sheepishly forward in apology.  I fear I have been far too remiss of my blogger duties and careless of my promises.  I have been dealing with work and personal frustrations of the sort that has left me with no words. Yes, none.

I have been blithely informed that this slump, this baffling unhappiness so terribly misplaced in the heart of one living a grand life, is what is known as A Quarter Life Crisis.  This is apparently something that my contemporaries struggled through while I was waging my own, very different battles in law school.  There is no skipping this crisis as it turns out, and soon after I had checked everything on my list (graduate law school, pass the bar, get into a law firm…), I was buried under blaring, anxious thoughts.  Everything I had achieved so far mattered none because in my head I kept thinking “SO WHAT NOW?”.

So after a few months of inexplicable weepiness, having everything in life I could ever hope for and yet exactly none, I finally found peace, or whatever peace there is to be found for a young woman eager to devour the world.  So what now indeed?

My dear readers, I honestly do not know.  I have plans and ideas, and oh such DREAMS, but somewhere between ravenous ambition and placid contentment , I found a place that is perhaps most myself.  I am In Between and it is, I believe, quite the place to be!

I am slowly defining happiness and success on my own terms and no longer stubbornly clinging to the cardboard cutout life I had long thought was meant for me.  It is idiocy, after all, to keep going mulishly down a path simply because that was the plan.  I have reconciled myself to the fact that nothing in this world is certain and that the most marvelous detours are often what make a life.

Now, I no longer worry overly much about laying down plans decisive of the rest of my life.  I resolve only to do what I love and love what I do.  I will continue to live with the hunger that is characteristic of my years thus far, and temper it with every bit of wisdom I have painstakingly earned.  I will live in full, fearless throbbing color because the world is as much mine as it is everyone else’s.

It is a splendid thing, dear readers, to have wild, untamed possibilities before you.  How could I have ever thought otherwise?

First Lesson

First Lesson by Philip Booth

Lie back daughter,

let your head be tipped back in the cup of my hand.

Gently, and I will hold you.

Spread your arms wide, lie out on the stream and look high at the gulls.

A dead- man’s float is face down.

You will dive and swim soon enough where this tidewater ebbs to the sea.

Daughter, believe me,

when you tire on the long thrash to your island,

lie up, and survive.

As you float now, where I held you and let go,

remember when fear cramps your heart what I told you:

lie gently and wide to the light-year stars,

lie back,

and the sea will hold you.

The world is passing me by…

While I was in the middle of reading a looooong case, its digest due in a couple of hours, my phone rang.

It was R. Good friend, great hangout buddy, ultra reliable harbinger of fun and drinking mayhem, inventor of the glorious, infamous Tisay that had us crawling all over Rastro.

He then tells me that he’s leaving for the US next month. As in 5 weeks from now. And he may never come back. As in, I may never see him again. Ever.

And then it hit me, the last time I had gone out with him was more than a year ago.

So many things we never got around to doing together. He was supposed to teach me how to play tennis (he’s a TENNIS PLAYER, as opposed to being just a tennis player, haha), teach me how to drive (let’s face it, not knowing how to drive at 25 is pathetic), and introduce me to the wonderful world of Ultimate Frisbee. I’ve never even been to his new pad and it’s been more than a year since he moved.

Of course, if we’ve somehow drifted apart, it’s all entirely my fault. Unlike most of my other friends who’ve given up all hope of ever pulling me out of the bog that is law school life, R has persistently maintained the belief that one day I’ll wake up, decide that I’m still cool and I still want to have a life, and take him up on one of his offers to hang out. In my defense, I too faithfully believed that I WOULD one day make time for the man who helped me enroll in UP and somehow make my way through the intimidating maze that is the Diliman campus (hey, for someone who has absolutely no sense of direction, UP Diliman is positively scary!), who picked me up from my evening classes regularly during the first few weeks of my I’m-lost-and-utterly-clueless-somebody-help-me first semester and drove me all the way to my condo in Mandaluyong and who will never be forgotten for having introduced me to the gastronomic delight that is the UP isaw.

Of course, I never did. 😦

We have 5 weeks though, and like he said, 5 weekends left. It might mean sacrificing a little gym time, a little volleyball time, maybe a little study time. It’ll mean a little less sleep, a bit more exhaustion and a lot more stress. But it’s Kuya R and I do love him.

In a way, it’s a wakeup call. How many more friends have I left fallen by the wayside while I let myself get completely sucked in by law school? Plenty.

When my law school friends ask me why I make time for volleyball, dance class, the gym… why I read constantly and maintain a blog… why I’m sneaking in guitar lessons in between typical hellish weeks in law school… when I should be putting in more study time and maybe vying for the top spots. I always say, that while I do study, put in the hours and obsess over school like everyone else, I try to remember that it’s not just about getting good grades, it’s about living a good life.

Hmmm…seems I haven’t been living as good a life as I thought I was.

RESOLUTION: Nurture relationships past and present.

***

I’ll start by going to Tagaytay with my AYLC friends tomorrow. AND finding a way to sneak in a little quality time with my buddy R in between that, studying AND the Conflicts of Law tournament.

A woman pulled in 20 different directions at any given time… that’s me. 🙂